Plan B

I was just officially notified that I did not make it on to callbacks for the Nauvoo Pageant core cast. It's disappointing and hard that I won't be returning to participate in the pageant or visit Nauvoo this summer. I didn't feel right about applying for family cast again as much as I really wanted to have that as a back up. In a way I was prepared for this disappointment, which makes the news a little easier to accept. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Nauvoo and the pageant. It's become a part of who I am. I can't help but feeling like there must be some mistake and I will still be a part of it somehow this summer. It may only be a matter of timing because I do feel that my association with the pageant isn't over yet. I will go back, not this year, but I will go back.

So, what do I do now?

I don't know the reasons why I am not to be in the pageant this summers. My first thought is that maybe my grandma needs me more than pageant does. My grandma's health has worsened in the past month. It started when she got the flu for a day and immediately afterward got bronchitis. Since then, she's swollen up again. She's gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. The doctors have changed her medicine every week since she started swelling up again. All the changes confuses grandma, so I have to take more time to not just check her medicine but help her figure out how much of what to take when. It takes a long time, especially since they've been changing it every week! She says she feels "weird" and she doesn't do much stuff before she gets tired and has to stop. She doesn't drive herself places as much anymore (thank goodness). This past week I've started getting the mail when I come home from work because she doesn't have the energy to do that anymore (plus, it's cold and we had a couple snowy days).

I think the hardest is part is wanting something to do this summer when I'm off work that I can look forward to and also feel like I'm progressing and doing some good for others. I have some ideas formulating, but it's nothing big because I have a car and a tooth implant debt to pay off. Grand Canyon, Escalante, Martin's Cove.... who knows what this summer has in store for me. I'm even thinking to start doing family history again since I haven't done it in what seems like forever. That thought, as well as thinking about whatever hiking escapades I might have, excites me.

I'm honestly trying to only face and take one day at a time... it's all I can handle right now. I think pageant was to be the light at the end of the tunnel... an escape tunnel. But now that I know I'm not doing it this summer, I have to trudge on through and find light (and breathing holes) everyday. If I count my blessings it's not hard to find those things if I look for them.

Things I learned from audition for the pageant:
Follow promptings of the Spirit
I can do anything I set my mind to when I rely on the Lord for strength and help.
I have SO MUCH to learn!!!!!!!
There is power in bearing (or singing) a PURE testimony
Smiling makes me feel happy and more open toward others even when it feel too hard to do
Even things I've read/watched over a dozen times can and will teach me something new or that I need at that moment if I watch/read them with "new" eyes (as if I hadn't seen/read it before)
The Lord knows me, my heart, and my desires and He has a plan for me that I can't understand right now, but it will be GOOD.