Matters of the Heart

This is the second time in only a matter of 5 months that I have been heartbroken. It seems that each heartbreak is more painful than the last. It makes me dread opening up again only to fall in love and be heartbroken once more. My heart is kind of numb right now. I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster of emotions these past couple of weeks since I was broken up with out of the blue. I've been holding tight to a thin string of hope since then, only realizing a day or so ago that it will break and I will fall hard to the ground if I don't let go soon. I can fill buckets with all the tears I've cried. Letting go hurts. I've told myself to pretend like it was just a dream, like it didn't ever happen, because that relationship honestly felt like a dream. It was amazing and so is he. But I received a priesthood blessing and it said that I need to embrace the experience I had and learn something from it that will help me in future relationships. I'm still trying to figure out what things I can learn and apply, but I've got time to do that.

A few days after the break up, I went to a fireside where Elder Christofferson spoke. He expounded on the scripture Joel 2:21-25, specifically talking about verse 25 where the Lord says, "I will restore to you the years that the locust have eaten...." He then testified that what it means is that those things that were unfairly denied or taken away will be returned, things that were missed will come, even lost time, God will make whole again. He then gave an apostolic blessing that I desperately needed. It was comforting despite the fresh pain I was feeling at the time.

Since then I've been thinking quite a bit about love, humility, and joy. This past weekend I was reading the scriptures in the temple and I gained some insight into a scripture I've read many times before. If you haven't ever read the scriptures in the temple, I recommend it. There is a clarity of mind I get as I'm in the house of the Lord and the influences and thoughts of the outside world are muted. I read these scriptures in Moroni 8: 16-17, 26:

"... perfect love casteth out all fear."

"... charity, which is everlasting love..."

"And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God."

Then in 1 John 4:18:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

As I've started working again in the temple, I've learned quite a bit about humility. Humility brings the Spirit and allows me to learn, feel and serve as the Lord would have me do those things. When I willingly submit to the Spirit I gain and can do so much more than I would on my own. Humility brings the Spirit. It can comfort me and fill me with the hope and perfect love that I am so desperately wanting to feel. Now, generally, we tend to only think about these scriptures talking about the idea of charity. But in that moment I thought of it in a more general way- familial love, romantic love, friendship love, neighbor love. It applies to all of those. I love that it says love endures by praying diligently- it takes work to keep it strong and make it last.

I learned that fear is a wedge that can come between people who love in whatever kind of relationship it is- sibling, romantic, co-worker, whatever. When there is fear in a relationship, it's TORMENT! It's awful and I hate it. (As a side note, I think we play the dating "game" because of fear. Maybe that's why I hate the "game" so much.) That love is not perfect- something needs to change or be improved. In Moroni 7 it talks about how you can't have charity without hope and you can't have hope without faith and you can't have faith without being humble. I love this connection. I can pray for the Holy Ghost to fill me with hope so that fear can be cast out and I can love perfectly.

Lastly, over the past few months I've been thinking a lot about joy and what it means and how to have it. A few weeks ago a friend made a connection that I hadn't thought of before. He noticed that when he looked up joy in the topical guide, most of the scriptures that contained the word joy in it were talking about enduring hard things. This is a hard thing for me to endure at the moment, but I can still have joy. It will take time to fully heal, but I'm already finding joy in little things. I'm going to be okay.