It's been almost a year since I first decided to share my health journey story. I've already shared my experience from childhood all the way through to high school. Next up is college. Well, it turns out college was A LOT.
I wrote in my journal nearly everyday of college. It wasn't only a lot to scan/read through to find any mention of my health journey, but it was a lot for me to process. Immediately after I finished the high school entry, I began reading/scanning/bookmarking what I felt were important points to share. I didn't realize how complicated it would become.
At first, I didn't know why I'd stopped going through my journals in mid-October. In retrospect, it's because at that moment, I was transitioning to another part of my health journey. I stopped doing the very intense health program (which I will detail later) and tried to navigate things on my own. I needed a break. My body and mind were EXHAUSTED. I'd lost a little over 100 lbs, though, so yay me!
Needless to say, I gained about 25 lbs of that back over the winter. I finished bookmarking my college journals and starting dictating them into a word document, but I wasn't able to do very much not just because of time, but because of the emotional toll it took to reprocess everything as I dictated.
But then there was another shift in my health journey that I didn't expect.
In April 2026, I had a conversation with my step-daughter that changed my life and body forever. I won't go into details, but I will say that there are on-going issues between us that we both need to work through. This conversation was between my step-daughter, Dale, and me.
In broad strokes, Dale and I were enlightened that our step-daughter's world view is very different than ours. Her opinions on how one should parent are very different than ours. Her values are similar, but how she thinks one should act according those values is different than what we do. During the conversation, I was level-headed and did my best to understand where she was coming from. We tried to let her know that we heard her and valued her opinions, but that we don't agree with her and won't change what we are doing. We are doing the very best we know how.
It wasn't until two days later that it hit. Depression deepened. Anxiety elevated.
This is how I described it to my sister and sister-in-law:
"I didn’t know what I was feeling was depression until after I had Lincoln and my OBGYN started me on meds and it was crazy the difference. This is more intense and different though. It’s the same feeling, but much less mental clarity. Like lots of racing thoughts, but also not able to properly think through things on top of feeling the lack of joy/enthusiasm for things I usually feel that with. And I was hoping sleep would help, but today it was as if I hadn’t slept. My brain feels the same way. I have moments, but once things are complicated, I can’t really process it all. I’m still functioning. I can push through and do things, but I’m definitely just going through the motions. I’ve also noticed my breathing is tighter. I don’t know how to explain it."
I lost my appetite and had to force myself to eat. I couldn't communicate clearly. My thoughts were jumbled and racing. I couldn't process anything going on in the moment. If I did, it was very delayed. I immediately made an appointment with my OBGYN, but it wasn't for a couple weeks out. The scariest moment was going into Costco to go shopping. It was overwhelming and I honestly don't know how I actually got all that I needed. On the way home I almost ran a red light because I wasn't able to focus on driving. I slammed on my brakes and saw that there was a cop car. When I got home I told Dale that I couldn't drive anymore that day. It wasn't safe.
It took me about a week before I could process things somewhat normally again. By then I had made the decision to start therapy. It is the best decision! Since then I've gone once a week. After the initial talking about the experience I had and my relationships, I finally was able to start sharing things about my health journey.
I joke that my step-daughter broke my brain forever. Of course she didn't, but my brain and body chemistry has forever changed. I now experience higher anxiety than I ever have before. The debilitating anxiety still hits sometimes. I get triggered by something I listen to or read and it sometimes takes days for my anxiety to decrease so I can function and feel normal again.
With the help of my therapist, I am now finishing dictating my college journal entries and going to organize them in a clear way for me to process and share. I'm also working with my OBGYN to get on the right anxiety medication to help me as much as is possible.
Being triggered sucks. But discovering pieces to the puzzle of why I feel anxiety when reading some journal entries from college or listening to certain talks and not others is fascinating to me. My therapist described those triggering moments as discovering inflammation. The inflammation is a piece to the puzzle to guide me to where the true injury lies.
So, here is a fair warning. My college story of my health journey isn't only about physical health. It's also about my mental and spiritual health and the complicated relationship between the three.
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