Happy Cocktail

I realized yesterday morning how close I am to having a nervous breakdown. It's been a really rough year for me and I think my body and spirit have had enough. With so much weighing on me, it's no wonder that I've struggled being as happy as I usually am. After reading scriptures, my patriarchal blessing, and talking with friends, I've come up with things I can do to help my body, mind, and spirit become balanced, healthy, and happy again.

Basically, I'm just giving my body special treatment as it's been overloaded with stress and everything much more than it's been used to all my life. I'm waking up a little earlier to exercise for 10 minutes on the cardio machine my grandma has. I'm always exhausted after work so as much I aim to do something after, I never do it, so this is the best solution. With the help of a new friend of mine, I'm beginning to take what I'm now calling my Happy Cocktail. It is a bunch of vitamins: active B-vitamins, vitamin D, and folic acid. One of the vitamins I call the mega-vitamin because it is crazy what's in it, but my friend pretty much swears by it. They are all really good for the body and are supposed to help balance and produce those chemicals that make you happy. :) No anti-depressant for me! Haha. I am also going to start eating a homemade granola that is super super good for you and tastes good, too. I got that from my friend, too. He swears he hasn't been sick since 2008 when he started eating it. Most of the ingredients come from what we affectionately call the Hippie store, or Good Earth. Let's just say I really felt out of place there. It was kind of crazy even though it really wasn't that "hippie." I am also starting to use essential oils, specifically lavender. I may eventually use other ones, but I will start with that. My friend taught some of us how to make deodorant with essential oils in it and it's amazing how much even that has helped me to feel good. It has Melissa and grapefruit oil in it and they are both really good for you, especially Melissa.

I'm also going to continue sleeping 7-8 hours a night and taking time for myself. I've started reading a lot more again and I LOVE IT! I finished reading Ender's Game and now I'm reading Matched. I spent a bit too much money last weekend at Barnes and Noble getting the books I want to read. Oh well, as long as it makes me happy, right? I'm also loving watching some of my favorite TV Shows on Netflix. And when there is something going on, I do things with my friends. I have such great friends here.

Things are looking up again, so I am very grateful for my Happy Cocktail.

My split rock with a flower! Had one of these when I was younger and loved it. I have another one that is growing a pink flower.

That's in my mouth... my tooth implant.

Random bonfire in January

Perspective

"True, enduring happiness, with the accompanying strength, courage, and capacity to overcome the greatest difficulties, will come as you center your life in Jesus Christ. Obedience to His teachings provides a secure ascent in the journey of life. That takes effort. While there is no guarantee of overnight results, there is the assurance that, in the Lord’s time, solutions will come, peace will prevail, and happiness will be yours.

The challenges you face, the growth experiences you encounter, are intended to be temporary scenes played out on the stage of a life of continuing peace and happiness. Sadness, heartache, and disappointment are events in life. It is not intended that they be the substance of life. I do not minimize how hard some of these events can be. When the lesson you are to learn is very important, trials can extend over a long period of time, but they should not be allowed to become the confining focus of everything you do. Your life can and should be wondrously rewarding. It is your understanding and application of the laws of God that will give your life glorious purpose as you ascend and conquer the difficulties of life. That perspective keeps challenges confined to their proper place—stepping-stones to further growth and attainment.

The Lord is intent on your personal growth and development. Your progress is accelerated when you willingly allow Him to lead you through every growth experience you encounter, whether you welcome the experience or not. Trust in the Lord. Ask to be led by the Spirit to know His will. Be willing to accept it. You will then qualify for the greatest happiness and the heights of attainment from this mortal experience.

Peace and happiness are the precious fruits of a righteous life. They are only possible because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ."
Elder Richard G. Scott "The Atonement Can Secure Your Peace and Happiness"

 A friend gave me the bolded part of this quote after Sunday School today. He had taught the lesson and because I had some things to do for one of my callings, I went in late. I don't know if the quote was a part of the lesson, or he just randomly gave me the quote when someone brought it up to him after the lesson. Whatever the reason, I am so grateful he gave it to me. It is exactly what I needed at exactly the right time. I've had a really rough past month. Let me correct that. I've had a really rough past YEAR. Lately it's been really rough. Basically, I'm emotionally drained from... EVERYTHING. I don't feel comfortable explaining all the reasons why here on a blog, but that doesn't matter. What matters is that this past week I've received help from a couple friends and inspiration from the Spirit that has helped me to know how I can be happy even while enduring many difficult trials, just like the above quote says. My friend giving me the quote was a tender mercy of Heavenly Father letting me know that I'm on the right track. Today I've felt happier than I have in a while and it's thanks to my friends and a very loving Heavenly Father.

Plan B

I was just officially notified that I did not make it on to callbacks for the Nauvoo Pageant core cast. It's disappointing and hard that I won't be returning to participate in the pageant or visit Nauvoo this summer. I didn't feel right about applying for family cast again as much as I really wanted to have that as a back up. In a way I was prepared for this disappointment, which makes the news a little easier to accept. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Nauvoo and the pageant. It's become a part of who I am. I can't help but feeling like there must be some mistake and I will still be a part of it somehow this summer. It may only be a matter of timing because I do feel that my association with the pageant isn't over yet. I will go back, not this year, but I will go back.

So, what do I do now?

I don't know the reasons why I am not to be in the pageant this summers. My first thought is that maybe my grandma needs me more than pageant does. My grandma's health has worsened in the past month. It started when she got the flu for a day and immediately afterward got bronchitis. Since then, she's swollen up again. She's gained 40 pounds in 3 weeks. The doctors have changed her medicine every week since she started swelling up again. All the changes confuses grandma, so I have to take more time to not just check her medicine but help her figure out how much of what to take when. It takes a long time, especially since they've been changing it every week! She says she feels "weird" and she doesn't do much stuff before she gets tired and has to stop. She doesn't drive herself places as much anymore (thank goodness). This past week I've started getting the mail when I come home from work because she doesn't have the energy to do that anymore (plus, it's cold and we had a couple snowy days).

I think the hardest is part is wanting something to do this summer when I'm off work that I can look forward to and also feel like I'm progressing and doing some good for others. I have some ideas formulating, but it's nothing big because I have a car and a tooth implant debt to pay off. Grand Canyon, Escalante, Martin's Cove.... who knows what this summer has in store for me. I'm even thinking to start doing family history again since I haven't done it in what seems like forever. That thought, as well as thinking about whatever hiking escapades I might have, excites me.

I'm honestly trying to only face and take one day at a time... it's all I can handle right now. I think pageant was to be the light at the end of the tunnel... an escape tunnel. But now that I know I'm not doing it this summer, I have to trudge on through and find light (and breathing holes) everyday. If I count my blessings it's not hard to find those things if I look for them.

Things I learned from audition for the pageant:
Follow promptings of the Spirit
I can do anything I set my mind to when I rely on the Lord for strength and help.
I have SO MUCH to learn!!!!!!!
There is power in bearing (or singing) a PURE testimony
Smiling makes me feel happy and more open toward others even when it feel too hard to do
Even things I've read/watched over a dozen times can and will teach me something new or that I need at that moment if I watch/read them with "new" eyes (as if I hadn't seen/read it before)
The Lord knows me, my heart, and my desires and He has a plan for me that I can't understand right now, but it will be GOOD.

Home Sweet Home Highlights

Trip to Disneyland and Club 33 on Christmas Eve

Giving Ryan this Alligator which Tyler named "Fluffy"

Scandia with Ryan, visiting Steven at work

Seeing Wicked at the Pantages theater in LA

Other highlights:
1. Watching Eureka with my mom (Dad and Ryan)
2. Sitting at the table eating dinner with all of my family
3. Amanda making a comment at dinner that made us laugh so hard we cried and almost choked on our food--- the best part is she even got my dad to laugh just as much
4. Making videos of my siblings and I playing with lightsabers on Christmas day
5. Going on Splash Mountain, just Amanda and I, and not getting wet at all (and we went on it twice in a row)

A Year In Review

Tonight I went on a date with my best friend Kristen. She and I have been friends since my sophomore year in high school. Every time I come home, she and I go on a "date" to Baskin Robbins and we catch-up with each other. As I thought about our date last year, I realized how much has changed in my life this past year. On our date a year ago, she strongly encouraged me to move out of the place I'd lived for about 6 years or so. I told her I'd think about it. Little did I know that I really would and that conversation would lead to some major changes in my life in a very short time period.

It's hard to believe that I've only been living with my grandma for 8 months. It feels like SO MUCH LONGER! So much has happened....

As soon as I walked into my apartment door when I returned from Christmas break, I knew I needed to move out. Very soon after that, my mom called to tell me my grandma was in the hospital with congested heart failure. It was at that moment I knew where I was to move. It wasn't easy for me to make the move for MANY reasons, but I know that it was the right thing to do not only for my grandma's sake, but for mine as well. It has been VERY difficult, but I've learned so much about myself and my life. It also has been a great blessing for me, in more ways than I can enumerate.

I moved in with my grandma in April. Shortly after I moved in, part of the basement flooded and my grandma got a pacemaker put in. We had lots of visitors come and stay with us throughout the summer, mostly family coming to visit grandma, which was good for her. In June, my ward got organized into a Young Single Adult stake, which has greatly improved the ward and my opportunities of making friends and enjoyable moments here. It keeps getting better and better in that regard. In July, I was in the Nauvoo Pageant for two weeks--some of the best two weeks of my life thus far! Work wise, I started out the year in Provo going house to house in the Homebase program of Head Start and then in August I was moved to the Pleasant Grove center in the regular classroom program. It's nice to live only about two and a half miles from work!!

It may not seem like much to anyone else, but as I look back, it's amazing how far I've come this year and I hope that many great things will happen this coming year. My main goal this year is to truly use my savings account as a savings account that I don't touch except for emergencies. I want to begin saving money so that in 4-5 years I can put a down-payment on my own house. That's the plan anyway.

I Believe in Santa Claus

Today we had a really great Relief Society lesson on the symbols of Christmas where the teacher read some children books and had us look up scriptures and talk about the different symbols we see all around us at Christmas time. Before she started reading "I Believe in Santa Claus," she asked us if we all believed in Santa. I said yes, but I thought why I did for the rest of the lesson. I do believe in Santa and I will try to explain why, although I pretty sure what I'm thinking won't quite translate into words exactly.

To preface this, I'm not writing all this to boast or whatever, I just want to share an experience that has helped me gain a better understanding of what Christmas is really all about.

This past week I had the opportunity to deliver presents to a family who otherwise would not have been able to provide Christmas for their children this year. It was a tender moment to step into their house and give them two big bags of things that their children needed and wanted for Christmas- clothes, books, and toys. It was a humbling experience that I won't soon forget and hope to repeat next year. They kept telling me that I was their angel. They gave me a loaf of apple bread and a card. Part of the card said, "We want to sincerely thank you for your generosity in this time of need. Without your help, my children would not have received gifts. You are our Santa Claus in this Christmas."

Later, I was watching a Christmas movie when I started to wonder where all the letters to Santa actually go each year. So, I googled it and learned that in 1912 someone in the postal service started an organization called "Operation Santa Claus." Basically, when a letter doesn't have a complete address to Alaska or it just says North Pole on it, the letters are sorted out for "Operation Santa Claus." Postal employees open the letters and sort out the ones who are in most need. Then, people can come to the post office and look through letters and choose up to 10 letters to "answer" by buying gifts and then taking them to the post office to have them sent. Not all post offices do it, but I thought it was incredible that people could and would do that!

So, when the teacher asked if I believed in Santa, I said Yes. I said yes because there are Santas all over who are willing to give a little of what they have to answer the prayers and needs and wants of other people in need. I had the opportunity to be Santa this year and it was the best feeling in the world. Isn't that the spirit of Christmas?

I know not many actually read my blog, but I want to challenge those who do to be a Santa for someone this Christmas. It doesn't have to be answering a "Dear Santa" letter or "Sub for Santa" thing. People are in need all around us, in fact, I bet you live with at least one person who qualifies. Do something for them.

Simple things...

1. Going to temple square and bearing testimony to a friend of the Atonement as we looked at the Christus statue.
2. Laughing and hanging out with friends.
3. Watching Christmas lights that are synchronized to music.
4. Providing Christmas for a family in need.
5. Gift card from work.
6. Teaching, loving, and caring for, being hugged by and playing with sweet little children
7. Things to look forward to
8. Showers
9. Snow that doesn't stick to the ground for very long.
10. Watching the Christmas classics.