Closed For Service

It's been nearly 5 months since the breakup. During these 5 months, the relationship has kind of been in limbo (at least for me). If I am honest with myself, I'm the one that has made it that way and have dragged it on this long because I am having a very hard time letting go of someone I love and care about very much. He also did some things to encourage me a little bit during that time, so I can't beat myself up too much.

It's been hard. It doesn't help that work has been very stressful with SAGE testing and this school year has been exhausting and very long. On top of that my family has had some hard things going on and it's just so been so much to handle. I'm emotionally drained. My heart needs to take a break for a while. It needs to be closed for service until further notice.

Heartache is a physical pain that I never really fully understood or knew until now. I'm broken and I need to be open and willing to move on and be healed by the Savior. This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity of hearing Elder Jeffery R. Holland speak at my stake conference. If one could title the message he gave, it would probably be, "God Loves Broken Things." He testified that God knows heartache. Christ died of a broken heart. As a disciple of Christ, I must expect to experience to some degree the things He experienced, including having a broken heart. He said to not scream, whine, or shake fist at God when it happens. God knows the dream that was broken and when He designed the Plan He knew this had to be and when I signed up for it, I knew it, too. He said in powerful words (in the way that Elder Holland does) don't dare say that God doesn't love me or that He isn't there. I will get a return on the sorrow and heartaches I've felt. It's my offering, my sacrifice that I can bring to the alter to show Him that I love Him and will be faithful no matter what. I have to go to the alter and trust that it will all work out. I have to trust that I will get my life (happiness) and heart back and that I'd get it back better than it was before. "Endure and save yourselves for days of happiness ahead.... You will be happy again.... This is a church of happy endings." Some day someone will need my broken heart in their behalf.

In powerful words Elder Holland said that I cannot argue with the evidence that God fulfills every promise He makes. The evidence is the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, but it also is the many miracles that I've experienced and seen in my own life. I can pretend or wish or even regret they happened, but they won't go away, they will be there for the rest of my life. In John 9, Peter commands a man unable to walk to rise up and walk, which was a completely unreasonable, unexpected, even outrageous thing to ask him to do considering his condition. The man obeyed immediately and was not only completely healed, but he had his life, energy, and spirit restored. Whatever the infirmity, it's like God is saying, "We will heal this! There is a happy ending. It will all get resolved." God will bless me and bless all those I worry about. There are plenty of blessings for all.

Elder Holland then gave a powerful apostolic blessing that I can't put into words. I was too overcome with emotion (think ugly cry-much to my embarrassment next to new friends in the middle of stake conference) to write anything down. It left me with a feeling of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. It gave me the confidence I needed to do something I needed to do so I could really start to move on and forward again like I need to. I know that the road immediately ahead will still be rough and I will likely still have some bad days and ugly cries, but that is exactly why I need to have my heart "closed for service" for a time.

In the meantime, I'm going to focus on building friendships, giving service, being fully involved in my ward, exercising, and learning/trying new things.

I heard this song at an assembly today and found it completely fitting:

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone, in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
A dream…

Matters of the Heart

This is the second time in only a matter of 5 months that I have been heartbroken. It seems that each heartbreak is more painful than the last. It makes me dread opening up again only to fall in love and be heartbroken once more. My heart is kind of numb right now. I feel like I've been riding a roller coaster of emotions these past couple of weeks since I was broken up with out of the blue. I've been holding tight to a thin string of hope since then, only realizing a day or so ago that it will break and I will fall hard to the ground if I don't let go soon. I can fill buckets with all the tears I've cried. Letting go hurts. I've told myself to pretend like it was just a dream, like it didn't ever happen, because that relationship honestly felt like a dream. It was amazing and so is he. But I received a priesthood blessing and it said that I need to embrace the experience I had and learn something from it that will help me in future relationships. I'm still trying to figure out what things I can learn and apply, but I've got time to do that.

A few days after the break up, I went to a fireside where Elder Christofferson spoke. He expounded on the scripture Joel 2:21-25, specifically talking about verse 25 where the Lord says, "I will restore to you the years that the locust have eaten...." He then testified that what it means is that those things that were unfairly denied or taken away will be returned, things that were missed will come, even lost time, God will make whole again. He then gave an apostolic blessing that I desperately needed. It was comforting despite the fresh pain I was feeling at the time.

Since then I've been thinking quite a bit about love, humility, and joy. This past weekend I was reading the scriptures in the temple and I gained some insight into a scripture I've read many times before. If you haven't ever read the scriptures in the temple, I recommend it. There is a clarity of mind I get as I'm in the house of the Lord and the influences and thoughts of the outside world are muted. I read these scriptures in Moroni 8: 16-17, 26:

"... perfect love casteth out all fear."

"... charity, which is everlasting love..."

"And the remission of sins bringeth meekness, and lowliness of heart; and because of meekness and lowliness of heart cometh the visitation of the Holy Ghost, which Comforter filleth with hope and perfect love, which love endureth by diligence unto prayer, until the end shall come, when all the saints shall dwell with God."

Then in 1 John 4:18:

"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love."

As I've started working again in the temple, I've learned quite a bit about humility. Humility brings the Spirit and allows me to learn, feel and serve as the Lord would have me do those things. When I willingly submit to the Spirit I gain and can do so much more than I would on my own. Humility brings the Spirit. It can comfort me and fill me with the hope and perfect love that I am so desperately wanting to feel. Now, generally, we tend to only think about these scriptures talking about the idea of charity. But in that moment I thought of it in a more general way- familial love, romantic love, friendship love, neighbor love. It applies to all of those. I love that it says love endures by praying diligently- it takes work to keep it strong and make it last.

I learned that fear is a wedge that can come between people who love in whatever kind of relationship it is- sibling, romantic, co-worker, whatever. When there is fear in a relationship, it's TORMENT! It's awful and I hate it. (As a side note, I think we play the dating "game" because of fear. Maybe that's why I hate the "game" so much.) That love is not perfect- something needs to change or be improved. In Moroni 7 it talks about how you can't have charity without hope and you can't have hope without faith and you can't have faith without being humble. I love this connection. I can pray for the Holy Ghost to fill me with hope so that fear can be cast out and I can love perfectly.

Lastly, over the past few months I've been thinking a lot about joy and what it means and how to have it. A few weeks ago a friend made a connection that I hadn't thought of before. He noticed that when he looked up joy in the topical guide, most of the scriptures that contained the word joy in it were talking about enduring hard things. This is a hard thing for me to endure at the moment, but I can still have joy. It will take time to fully heal, but I'm already finding joy in little things. I'm going to be okay.