Tuesday, March 27, 2012

One Year

This past weekend in Arizona was exactly what I needed. Although the reason for going was very sad, overall, it was amazing. The drive was 11 hours or so long. I left about 1 1/2 hours later than I planned because the home health nurse needed to talk to me and needed me to do some things for her to care for my grandma before I left. I seriously wondered if I would EVER get to leave.

Going there, I met my family about 2 1/2 hours away from our destination so that I could have someone in my car with me as I was tired. Funny evidence of how tired I was at that point is that when I went to use the restroom in the gas station, I walked in and immediately saw a urinal and thought that that it was strange for it to be in there. I checked and saw that there was no lock and the door and thought that was strange, too. I then used the bathroom anyway. As I walked out a man opened the door and confirmed that I was indeed in the wrong bathroom. It wasn't until he was opening the door did I find myself hoping that it was a female and not a male walking in. Indeed, it was a man. Good thing he didn't go in earlier!

My family and I stayed at a motel together, and it was just wonderful to be with them again. With about 5 hours of sleep, we went to the viewing and met up with my cousins that I hadn't seen in YEARS. My sister and I talked about how we really wish we'd been closer to them as we grew up, which made it a little more sad to be there knowing we'd lost that time with our cousin Jeff.

The funeral and events with family afterward were really good. It was sad, but overall I felt peace and comfort in knowing that we will see Jeff again. I have a testimony of the atonement of Jesus Christ and His resurrection. It was made stronger this weekend as I went to the funeral and heard the testimonies of my family, my cousin Mark in particular.

I left the funeral with a resolve to be a better person and more like Christ. I had some major take-aways from this weekend. First, don't take family members (or anyone I love for that matter) for-granted. Appreciate them right now for who they are and all that they do for me. Thank them. Tell them that I love them. Do what I can to serve them and make them happy. Although it's fun to tease or make fun, or easy be annoyed by or upset by someone, I need to try harder to not let it happen intentionally for very long. I never know when I might lose that person.

Second/Third, enjoy life, enjoy people and make work fun. Work hard, play hard. I'm good at the work hard part, but especially right now making work fun and making time for fun is a really great struggle for me that I need to be better at doing.

Fourth, be an example of Christ by serving others, acknowledging others, or helping those who feel miserable even when I feel miserable. That is incredibly hard to do, but my cousins taught me that it is possible to do so.

I found myself really not wanting to leave and not wanting my family to leave. I loved getting to know my cousins and their wives and visiting with my cousin Jeff's wife, who is now a widow. I only wish I could do more to help her and my cousins, but most especially her. I can only imagine what it must be like for her to lose her husband and have two small children. She and my cousins will be in my prayers for a long time.

 As soon as I came back from AZ, I had to jump right in to work and caring for Grandma. The break was nice, but I could definitely use more of a break. I say that with even more fervor as the past two days have been filled mostly with trying to meet the needs of my grandma so that she can be healthy, safe, and comfortable. I'm on the phone with her home health nurse multiple times a day with her telling me things that need to be done... by me or someone else. The nurse has helped tremendously, so I am very grateful for that, it's just hard to take it all in. It's a lot of responsibility.

This Sunday, April 1st, marks my one year anniversary of living with Grandma. It's been quite a year! It's crazy to think what things I've experienced this past year in caring for her and having to start over in a new place. It's been the greatest challenge of my life so far, and it's still hard. I've grown up a lot this past year, to say the least. It's also crazy to think how quickly my grandma's condition has changed, especially in the past month and a half. It's sad, too.

She was diagnosed with Congested Heart Failure a little over a year ago. She got a pace maker a year ago May. She was doing pretty good until she got the flu and then bronchitis in November, after which she started swelling up again, more and more and more. She got another pacemaker in February as well as a AV node ablation done two days after the pacemaker was put in. The swelling has gone down some in the past couple of days, at least she's lost quite a bit of weight since last Friday. Her legs are still "weeping," though. She is now sleeping in a chair in the family room, using a walker to get around, has to use oxygen almost all the time, and has a lot less strength for endurance of prolonged activities. She can still do most things, for which I am very grateful. She has more strength than she did when she left the hospital and went to the rehab center.  Two major concerns right now is her memory loss and her swollen "weeping" legs. She's forgetting to take her medicine, among other things. I'm leaving work to take her to a doctor's appointment on Thursday to see about her legs and her cough. Her cough sounds a lot better than it did, though. Her condition now requires a whole lot more of me than it has this past year, so it's really hard adjust.

One of the biggest stresses is having to talk to the nurses and have them ask me questions about her and her care or tell me things to do to help her. It's also challenging to get Grandma to do everything she is supposed to do. Sometimes she can be stubborn, but she usually softens and does it after a bit of time. I have to start making her take her meds in the morning before I leave to work and call her in the afternoon to take her afternoon medicine. I'll be home in the evening to help her then. I'll be done with work in about 8 weeks, so after than it will maybe not be as hard, at least for the summer.

Good news is that on Friday night I'm going to see the play Bye Bye Birdie! I'm excited to see it. I've also been listening to Maze Runner on my ipod since I didn't finish it on the way home for AZ. I'm loving it! I'm also very excited for General Conference this weekend where I get to hear the words of the living prophets speak to ME!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Time to Breathe

Well, Grandma is home now and pretty much settled in. This is the first moment all day that I've really sat down. I'm not even ready to leave for AZ yet! Most of you reading this know already, but last weekend my cousin past away from esophagus cancer. He was only 31 with 2 kids and he was a really good man. I'm leaving to go to the funeral tomorrow afternoon and will turn around to come back early Sunday morning. Everything is taken care of for people to come by the house to check on Grandma and provide dinner for her for the next three days. She really has an amazing Relief Society president! I am so thankful for her and all the sisters in the ward who are ever so willing to help! Grandma has also has many family members really concerned for her and watching out for her needs.

She still has a bad cough and her swelling is so much that she has sort of blister-like things on her legs that she often has to wipe the puss or whatever it is off. It's pretty gross and swollen. Someone from the ward came by and said she's looking better than she has in a long time and asked if I agreed. It was hard to lie, but I had to, for grandma's sake.... Memory-wise she was better today, but the director told me to expect good and bad days.

Her Home Health nurse called tonight, which I was very happy about. She will have the same therapists she did in the Orem Rehab center. The home health nurse is coming tomorrow morning while I'm at work, so I hope grandma will be able to sign everything, etc on her own. We are thinking to give grandma something to wear that in case she falls or something happens, she can push it and it will alert me. She can't get up from the couch on her own, so for now she is only sitting at the table. She fortunately had bought a walker for grandpa, so she has one of those. She's been borrowing one from someone, I don't know who yet. I'm going to figure out her meds tonight so it's all in the container and she can take them without any problems, hopefully.

I keep having to tell myself to take a moment to breathe deep and relax. I know it's all going to be fine, but it's hard to be a caregiver and have so many other responsibilities. I have a much greater appreciation for my mom. How does she do it?! How does she meet the needs of others and still have time and energy to do things for herself and her own personal happiness? I remember her finding time, or making time to read the newspaper in the morning while she ate breakfast and we had to wait for her to finish. It was HER time. She also read lots of books while she supervised us doing whatever activity we were doing. I admire her all the more for doing those things even to this day. I just have to figure out how I can do it now myself.

This past month, but especially today, I've learned a lot about giving selfless service, just as my mom is such a great example of doing. It energizes me while I do it, but once I'm not doing it, I crash! All I feel like doing is watching TV shows, but I know there are better ways to spend my free time. It's been hard to give of myself at work and at home and still take care of myself, but I'm trying and doing my best. I am excited to see my family this weekend even though it is for a sad reason. It's a break I've been needing for a long time now.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

PB Ice Cream

This month has been absolutely crazy busy, but I still can't believe it's the middle of March already. Not that I'm complaining, because I'm definitely happy about that! This week's spring weather was just what I needed. It's made me excited to hike and be outdoors doing whatever I want to. The only problem with that is I still have 9 more weeks of work and I work indoors 7 of the 8 hours I'm there. So, in addition to everything else I'm suffering, I'm suffering from Spring fever.

Work is still stressful and draining. I can't get into why, but I can say that this warm, sunny weather has helped me be a little more energetic, optimistic, and able to cope with everything a lot better than I have been recently.

The biggest challenge this month was caring for my grandma. She went into the hospital to have something fixed on her pacemaker and they ended up giving her a whole new one. Then, her heart started beating too fast, so they performed another surgery, which has left her weak and unable to do much on her own, including walk without feeling dizzy. I drove back and forth between PG and Provo almost everyday after work to visit her and do whatever I needed to do to help her. I also kept her kids and other families and friends posted on her condition. It is a big job and very draining as well.

A week ago she was released from the hospital and went into a rehabilitation center. It took some convincing to get her there, but I knew that I would feel better about her being there than at home alone. At that point she couldn't walk far without becoming dizzy and she couldn't really dress herself or get herself up from the toilet by herself. She's made some progress in the past week, but I'm still worried. She is able to walk further with her walker without becoming dizzy. She also is able to get herself dressed, although she has to do it slow or in parts because she has a difficult time breathing. Her circulation problem is causing her feet and legs to turn purple and be numb or tingly. She was pretty swollen before she went into the hospital, but her stomach and legs have become even more swollen, so much that none of her pants fit her anymore. Her ankles and feet aren't swollen anymore, though. Her heart is operating at 20% efficiency, so it doesn't surprise me that she has these symptoms, but it's still hard to see her so uncomfortable (and maybe a little unhappy).

The rehab center is better than the hospital and better than being home, as much as I know she wants to be at home. At home I know she won't exercise as much, which is what she needs to do if her heart is to become stronger. I think at this point she might do alright by herself during the day, but it's hard to know for sure. I just know that knowing she is being taken care of when I am away from home for work or other activities has been quite a relief. With that said, I'm nervous to have her home again because of the anxiety and feeling like I would have to be home with her more than I have been in the past because she would need me more.

So, work is work and home is work.... It means I'm worn out and have little energy to do much. It also means I have to say no to doing things I want to or should do so I can rest and have some "me" time. I haven't had much "me" time, but I'm trying to be better at making it happen. And sometimes the only answer is having some homemade peanut butter ice cream. Yep. I need to get some more ice cream...

Next Tuesday I'm meeting with the rehab center therapists to talk about what needs to happen to meet Grandma's needs and see how soon she can come home again.