Holiday Blessings

I am so grateful that it's finally December! This has been a long year for me and I am in desperate need of the Christmas Spirit. I really appreciated the First Presidency devotional tonight. It was the first time in a long time that I've felt the Spirit's peace, joy, and God's love for me so strongly outside of the temple. It helped me feel better about not having much money to give people gifts for Christmas, too. It was a great reminder to me that the Christmas Spirit is the spirit of the love of Christ and that whatever I can give to others, if it is given in love, is just as good, or better, than gifts I could buy with money.

I know we all ought to feel the "Christmas Spirit" all year round, and I know we can. I think part of the reason why it is EASIER to feel the spirit of the love of Christ at Christmastime is because every where you go, people are singing about Christ's birth and what He did and many people are trying to do what He did by serving people who are especially in need at this time. It's really quite amazing that it happens, but I'm so grateful that it does.

As I've served my grandma this past year and a half, I truly learned a lot, including how much I can handle emotionally. I am grateful for the ward that I moved into in Provo. It is exactly what I need to heal emotionally and fill up my bucket so I can once again serve as I desire to serve. Tonight some friends and I went caroling to a few houses in the neighborhood. One man opened the door and as we started singing, he got a big smile on his face. As we finished and began to leave, he said that we really made his day. It felt so good to have done something so simple like that and see with his smile how much it brightened him. I hope that even with my lack of money I can brighten other people's days in simple ways. I know that it will help me just as much as it will help them.

So, this week I'm turning 27. I don't feel 27. Am I really 27? Yep, the math doesn't lie. I'm still not sure how I feel about it. I've mostly come to terms with my age, but I still have a deep fear that being 27, graduated with a full-time job, a little bigger in size, and a little awkward, crazy, or weird sometimes will intimidate and/or repulse and/or otherwise be unattractive to guys that I meet that I might want to go on dates with. Really, all I want is to get married and have my own family. I love my preschoolers, but I worry that I might tire myself out before I even have my own kids. I also worry that if I get too old, I won't be able to safely have my own kids or have kids at all. Many people I know have had a hard time, so it's something else I think about.

But worrying and stressing about all that isn't very helpful, so I'm going with Plan B... or is it Plan C or D? I don't know, but that's what I'm doing. It's been quite an adventure. These past 8 years have been filled with so many great memories made with family and friends. I've been greatly blessed. Since I'm 27, here is a list of 27 things I've done in the past 8 years in my "Plan B" adventure.

1. Gone to Nauvoo 4 times- Semester at Nauvoo (BYU Nauvoo), EFY as a counselor (with my sister), Nauvoo Pageant as backstage Family Support and Family Cast.
2. Skydiving with one of my best friends Kristen.
3. Drove a manual transmission car in a "race" with the emergency brake still on. (I lost, of course. And there is a video of it on facebook, actually.)
4. Graduated from BYU with a Bachelor's degree in Marriage, Family, Human Development
5. Read over 20 non-school related books.
6. Hiked Mt. Timpanogoes
7. Hiked to about 10 or more different waterfalls (many multiple times)
8. Watched the play Wicked with two of my siblings
9. Became an Assistant Teacher at Head Start Preschool
10. Bought my dream car- VW Jetta
11. Made at least a dozen slideshows for friends and family of our fun times together
12. Endowed in the temple
13. Served as a missionary for a total of 4 weeks via the Nauvoo Pageant
14. Pet a real kangaroo
15. Got a perm (yeah, my hair is normally straight for those who didn't know)
16. Got hit by rock fall on a hike, which directly hit my teeth and no other part of my face (a miracle). Resulted in a shattered tooth and a kind of cracked canine tooth and some chips of other teeth. Got a retainer and I lost it on Mt. Timp. Got another retainer. Finally got a tooth implant, yay! Eventually got the chips repaired as well.
17. Got wisdom teeth removed and was awake during the whole procedure and could feel a lot of it. Had to do it in two parts because of that fact. After the first procedure I couldn't open my jaw more than half an inch for almost two weeks, so I ate baby food and other things that didn't require ANY chewing at all. Soooo glad that it wasn't permanent!!
18. Made 2 music videos. One with my roommates on a St. Patrick's Day to the song Ultimate and I called it The Ultimate Music Video (Not). It happens to still be on facebook. The other one was to "All The Single Ladies" on a Valentine's day with a couple of my roommates, my sister, and a guy friend. That one is NOT on facebook as far as I know.
19. I've eaten "crack" and have gotten "cronked" Ask my family.
20. I planted strawberry plants and had them in my very own garden for a year and a half.
21. Was an EFY counselor for 3 summers
22. Went to Niagara Falls
23. Touched the Nauvoo bell... I mean the REAL Nauvoo bell, you know, the one that is up in the tower of the temple at this very moment? Yeah, that one. :)
24. Shook Elder Richard G. Scott's hand
25. Learned how to make my infamous cinnamon rolls
26. Sang a solo in front of over 200 people (EFY theme song 2006)
27. Got a season pass for Disneyland even though I lived in UT. Went just enough times to make it worth it money wise, but made some amazing memories with my family. One being my siblings and I sitting lightest to heaviest in the boat for Splash Mountain. Each drop we came to, even the little dips, we got not one, but two waves hitting us, the second one always bigger. Needless to say, the final drop was EPIC. We ALL came off completely soaked. We managed to repeat the experience on another visit with my dad. It was awesome.

Here are some pictures:

Home for Thanksgiving

Christmas at my new place!

All of my Christmas houses are out this year

Friends in my new ward!

Paparazzi for my ward's Academy Night

Seven Year Famine

Fall is finally here! This has been a long , hard year for me so it makes me happy to already see Christmas stuff up in stores. My roommate and I have already started listening to Christmas music occasionally. :) I'm actually thinking of starting to set up my Christmas village very soon, too, because I want to enjoy it as long as I can since I will be going home for the holidays. It will take some doing because my front room is so narrow and kind of small. I am determined to make it fit!

As you could see by all the pictures in my last post, I have been greatly blessed to move into a good ward with good people in it. I'm ward photographer, which so far is my most favorite calling I've ever had. I'm making a slideshow like I did for my roommates in college, but it will be even better! I have the new iMovie so I can do some really awesome things, so I'm super excited.

Sadly, this will be a short term calling because I was also asked to be the family history co-chair. No surprise there, really. I just can't do what I'd like to do for both callings, so I asked that after the slideshow I only have one calling.

The most exciting thing recently was being introduced to geocaching. I'd heard of it when I was in Pleasant Grove, but I had no idea what it was. A friend in the ward invited Amanda and I to go with him and we had a blast. She has gotten at least one date from that experience, with more to come, I'm sure. :) No dates for me in this ward as of yet. ;)

In other news, I realized yesterday that even though things have worked out so well for me to move here and everything, there is still more healing needed. Overall, I've been happy and only exhausted from work, but I've noticed little disappointments still push be over the edge and I struggle to get back up. Fortunately, I have the tools I need to get back up, but some days are still just hard, especially when I don't have the means financially to do some of the things that I know help me get out of my rut, like going to plays. What matters, though, is that I get back up and keep moving forward despite whatever thoughts come creeping into my head that could keep me down.

For Halloween Amanda joined me in going to my Nauvoo pageant friend's home to trick or treat and hand out candy with her kids. Afterwards we went to a stake dance, which was a lot if fun, of course.

These past two days I've had no work and it's been wonderful. Today is the first real snow and it feels good to be home, in my sweats, watching some TV shows.

Pictures of my recent adventures:

A Fresh Start

If a picture speaks a thousand words, then 20 or so should speak a lot more, right?

Grandma Kelly's Funeral

Dave (my dad), Cindy, Bob, Katie, Chris, Tami

Grandma and Grandpa Kelly both loved Rummy, so we gave her a rook card like I gave Grandpa a couple years ago.

My family :D

And it came to pass...

And it came to pass that at the beginning of the eighth month, I had three of my four wisdom teeth taken out. The fourth was not removed because I was still feeling pain after being given all the local anesthetic that they could give me. Yes, I was awake for the whole 2 hour procedure.

And it came to pass, that after one week, I could still not open my mouth more than a few centimeters. But after a couple dentist appointments and a few drugs (namely, two different types of muscle relaxants, naproxen and ibuprofen) and painfully stretching my jaw muscle open with tongue depressors, I can now fully extend open my mouth (3 finger width). To give perspective, I started at 7 tongue depressors and finally fit 21 or 22 in between my teeth.

And it came to pass that on the thirteenth day of the eighth month of the two-thousand and twelve year, my grandma, Barbara Kelly, passed away. I lived with her for almost a year and a half for the sole purpose of taking care of her. Beginning in June, she started showing signs of dementia that seemed to progress VERY quickly. My cousin Nick came to help me since there was no way I could help her on my own. Family came to visit and even within their short visits they could see her rapid decline. At the end of July she was put into Hospice. I could go into detail about how it all happened, but I'd rather not. Some fun memories of those final months/weeks were of her talking about wanting a BIIIIIIG party and she just wanted to eat ice cream. She hugged, played, and slept with two soft teddy bears just like a little kid. She called them her babies. Even though her time was soon, she could tell I wasn't doing well with my teeth and showed concern for me. She was always so positive and loving even though she was not wanting to do what we asked her to do. She'd say, "Because I love you" or "I like... (something or someone)" or "You're my friend" or "No, but I will anyway." She was so childlike.

I am grateful for my last moments with her. It was the day before she died and she was fairly awake and responsive. She said she wanted ice cream, so I spoon fed her ice cream for dinner. I then talked to her for a little bit and asked her what kind of party she wanted. She said she wanted a "BIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIG party" in a raspy voice and big eyes. I asked if she wanted ice cream there and she said, "You bet."

Serving her this past year and a half has been a wonderful learning experience for me. It was really, REALLY hard in so many ways, but I have no regrets. I could go on for a while saying all that I learned and I know that I will keep learning from the experience as I look back on it for years to come.

And it came to pass that I moved to west Provo. Sometime in June I randomly started thinking about looking for places to live. It seemed ridiculous at the time, but I went ahead and looked online and got an idea of where I'd need to look when I did need to move and how much to expect to pay for a private room, etc. In August, my aunt suggested that I look for a place to live since it was just before school was to start and it might be the best time even though Grandma could live for weeks to months longer. So I immediately looked on KSL and found a place that just seemed too good to be true: big bedroom (with a queen sized bed), one roommate close to my age, 5 minute drive to work, basement apartment. I went to look at it the very next day with my sister. As soon as I got talking to the landlord and the roommate, I knew that was where I wanted to move to. As I talked with them about it, I got several phone calls and my sister answered them for me. As we left the house and went to the car, I asked about the phone calls and she told me that it was my uncle an my mom telling us that Grandma had died that afternoon. WHAT??! Are you serious! I couldn't believe it!! I was shocked, relieved, happy, amazed, and everything all at the same time. I just kept saying "wow" all the way home. It couldn't have worked out any more perfectly.

And so began the chaos of family coming in and packing all my stuff. I felt an urgency to pack so that no one in the family would take "claim" to my things as if it were part of Grandma's estate. I also just wanted to leave. It felt really weird to go upstairs in the morning and not have Grandma there needing me to help her with something. Really weird. I was definitely more relieved than sad to see Grandma go. It's been hard to see her and help her these past few months. I think the hardest part is having a year and a half of memories with Grandma when the grandma I want to always remember is the one that lived back in California and we visited every holiday or more often.

I hope no one thought I was insensitive about her death with how happy/excited I was about finding a place to move to so quickly. It helps that I have a firm testimony of the plan of salvation and know that she lives and I will see her again. She is with her husband, baby daughter that she lost, and her parents again. Now that's a big party and something to be happy about!!

And thus we see that God blesses those who strive to keep His commandments and rely on Him. I am just full of gratitude of how things have fallen into place, making this transition smoother than I ever thought it would be. The Lord has truly been watching over me, preparing me, and preparing the way for me all this time.

Now I have a fresh start and it feels amazing.

How it is

 Here are parts of an email that my uncle wrote about our most recent visit to the doctor for Grandma. It gives a good summary of what she is up against now and what basically occupies my life at the moment (for who knows how long).

Britt, Michelle, and I attended Mom's appointment today. We did not have any new revelations from Dr. Mower today, but we did gain a better understanding of where mom is at. Her heart is functioning at or below 20%, which is quite serious. However, there is no timetable on life expectancy due to this number. She could have a rapid decline or remain stable for several months. We will find out more from the heart doctor tomorrow.
(The heart doctor said the same things, pretty much. The top part of her heart started "quivering" again, which has caused her difficulty breathing in the past month. She is stable at this point. It's just a waiting game.)

As for the kidneys, she is functioning at about 35%, which is chronic kidney disease level, but not kidney failure at below 15% which would require dialysis or a transplant...neither of which would be appropriate for mom. This is less likely to be a life-altering factor in the short run than the heart failure.

An additional water pill has been effective over the last 8 days and she has lost 9 lbs. Her legs are less swollen and the doctor noticed marked improvement there. Oxygen = 95% -- encouraging.

The most rapid change for the negative seems to be the dementia. She was tested with questions and scored 14/30. This is not yet severe but it is a problem that is making leaving her alone to herself less than ideal. We have witnessed this decline and yet were somewhat surprised that she had difficulty with such questions as what state she lives in or what year it is.

Dr. Mower was not at all surprised at the rapid decline mentally, though we have been. We feel like we can see it happening. More and more conversations are difficult. She forgets words or cannot complete thoughts. She can't remember the day of the week or whether she has taken her pills. Information given to mom is quickly forgotten and VERY seldom passed on to Michelle or Nick.   Britt's favorite part of the memory test was when mom was asked to write a sentence. We were thinking of sentences like "Let me out of here." or "This test is SO stupid." What did mom write? "I love you."

Dr. Mower said she does not yet qualify for hospice care for the dementia, but she does for the heart failure. Once your heart is working at less than 20% you automatically qualify for hospice. We don't feel ready for hospice, but we do feel the need to have an aid come a few times a week to help Mom with shower time. Dr. Mower  mentioned the company Symbii that he is the hospice director for, and we all thought it might be good to use that company since it would be easy for the doctor to know what is going on.

Michelle will be starting up work again pretty soon and although Nick is willing to be here for Mom and even help with shower time if needed, Mom is not comfortable with the male assistance in that arena.

Mom gets around fairly well and can physically dress, shower, use the restroom, etc., but the dementia causes problems for her in the dressing department. She forgets what step is next or puts her pajamas on over her clothes, or only partially dresses. She can physically do almost everything when she is reminded step by step what to do. (This also includes when she's showering. I have to tell her step by step what to do, and give some assistance.)

She has begun to resist taking medication. It can take hours to give her her medication. She often asks if she really has to take all that medicine and what the medicine is for. Although she wanted to go to church Sunday, she was very late because she wouldn't take her medication. This morning she said she did not have to go to the doctor. She protested and suggested we go without her for half an hour. So we rolled her rolly chair out to the car and she got in and went without incident after that.

We want Mom to maintain her dignity and whatever independence she is capable of, but it is very trying on the patience of any caregiver if she refuses to do what is good for her. We were pleased with the oxygen level, since that is something she takes off and is without most of the night, even when it is replaced repeatedly by Michelle, or Nick, or I. She does not put her feet up as much as she should, yet the new pills for the water retention have worked so that is not as big a deal as we thought it was either. We can give in on some pills like the less effective "memory" pill, but there are others that if she were to go without, the doctor said we would see a rapid decline. Of course we don't want to see that. 

Mom seems mostly content and comfortable and does not really complain. When we first arrived last week she mentioned a few times with a little smirky smile that she isn't going to live very much longer. If there is any kind of rapid decline, per her wishes and living will we do not plan to take her to the hospital or try to revive her.

(When I ask how she is doing or what she is thinking, she says she is fine, but confused about life. So, even though she doesn't or can't verbalize what she is thinking all the time, she is getting more and more confused about the things going on around her.)

Right now, though, she seems physically stable--though she now wants some support as she walks and reaches for walls or chairs to support herself. She still has some sense of humor about the dementia. When we were trying to convince her that she was supposed to go to the doctor's appointment she tried making excuses that didn't make any sense and kept saying we just don't understand, and she was right. This is a learning process for all of us, so I am sure we will make mistakes, but I am very glad that Michelle and Nick are here and trust they will do their best for her. Any help that she can qualify for though I think we ought to take.


When I look at Grandma, her eyes are all watery, and small, and tired looking. She says she's not tired, but that she's fine. It's really hard to see her like this and it makes my heart ache. I really hope she won't suffer for long.

Progress

Sorry I haven't posted in a while, it's been really crazy. About two weeks ago or so I went home as a surprise to my family! I loved being home, of course. The best part of being home is going back to be a child again where I'm dependent on my Mommy and don't have any responsibilities. I wish I could be completely free of responsibility when I go home, but what I got was close enough. The second best thing was that I could do absolutely nothing if I wanted to. I love watching TV shows with my family. Amanda was getting last minute things ready for college, so we went shopping, too. I finally bought a new computer with my bonus money, which is awesome! It was nice to have my dad help me set that up.

Miraculously, we were able to fit all of Amanda's things into two cars. She has LOTS of clothes, mostly. It was fun to drive back with her thinking about how from now on, whenever I go home, she will be going with me.

We got Amanda settled into her new apartment, which is in the same complex that I used to live in. I'm very excited for her to begin her own college experience. Her roommates are already better than my first ones were, by far. We went to her ward this past Sunday, which was fun because I know about a dozen people who still live there. It was great to see them, but at the same time it was hard to be back there because it reminded me of everything that I left behind to live with my grandma. I know I am where I am supposed to be, but it took a whole day for me to internally accept that again. Thankfully, my family was patient and kind enough to put up with me as I went through that again.

My parents left on Tuesday. Amanda has called or texted me everyday with different questions and I love it. I enjoyed escorting her to her first class and seeing all the other freshman that are just as new and confused as she is. I laughed out loud right in front of them because I remember being in their spot many years ago.

On Wednesday I had a date to the rodeo. It was fun. I asked him for his number a few weeks ago and originally invited him to dinner, but changed it to the rodeo. Don't know if there will be another date, but I hope so.

As most of you know, I've been inviting guys and girls over for dinner whenever I tried out a new recipe for Grandma. This week I've decided that I most likely won't be doing that anymore. Maybe I'll invite girls, but not boys. Mainly it's because Grandma's condition is progressing and it's a little too much to introduce to a guy on a first date, or a second date for that matter. Part of my adjustment when I came back from home was seeing the state my grandma was in when I came back. I won't get into details, but I will say that her short term memory is getting worse. She's to the point where she struggles to find the right words or phrases to tell me something and there isn't enough said to even put the pieces together of what she is trying to say. She's also had some confusion on the day and what time it is, which has caused confusion and mistakes in taking her meds. So, this week I've had to change some of the ways I do things to help lessen the confusion and possible mistakes with medicine. It's not too hard, but it is a lot of work and emotional energy. Most of all, it's needed patience and charity.

I looked up dementia online (I know, not the greatest resource) and I believe that she is in stage 5 of the 7 stages of dementia. Maybe on the boarder of 4 and 5. She's not diagnosed or anything, but that is what I think. The doctor said he wants to take care of her heart first before trying to do anything with her memory problems. As for her heart, her legs and stomach are swollen up again, but still 20 pounds less than she was at her greatest weight.

Tomorrow my cousin is coming to help me with Grandma for a week. The following week my uncle and his family of 9 1/2 kids are coming to visit for two weeks. I am afraid that will tire Grandma out, but I'm glad they are coming so that others will see the state she is in and help me know how to take care of her.

Today I'm going to have a day with Amanda. We are going to the mall so she can get some things she needs for her job and then we are getting pedicures. This afternoon we are going to watch Brave, which I am very excited about. I'm super excited to see the short that comes before it. :)

Where Birds Still Sing at Midnight

I know I said this in my last post, but life is good, really good. On Monday I drove home for a surprise visit to my family, particularly my sister for her birthday. I've always wanted to do that and it was fun. It feels good to be home again and to be home longer than I normally am able to be.

I got my second installment of my bonus this week, so I finally purchased a new computer. My laptop has had at least 2 heart transplants and was on it's last leg, so after 6 years, I got a desktop computer. It's a Mac, of course. I'm loving it! It is SO much faster than my laptop and I can actually do more than one thing at a time without fearing something bad might happen. And, I can finally have all my music and pictures on my computer again rather than on an external drive. Best of all,  I finally have the new imovie that I can do slideshows and movies with. :)

I was originally thinking to also get a new TV with the bonus, but changed my mind to getting new clothes and other stuff that I've been needing. It's something I don't usually do, so it's kind of fun.

My little sis is having a birthday party tomorrow night and the house will be all decked out with blue and white for BYU. She's turning 18 and going to college! Man, so I feel old! But I'm very happy and excited for her.

I have a Taco Bell date with one of my brothers today and planning to go to the beach on Monday. Mostly, we are all just hanging out. Tonight we have our good friends the Hoyts coming to stay with us, so it will be a full house. I've been sleeping on the couch as it is, but not I'll be on a blowup mattress in my sister's room.

Something that I noticed and love about my house is that there are always birds singing outside, even after midnight. Seriously. The other day when I was talking to my family on the phone, I could hear the birds singing outside. It's awesome to be home and enjoy it in person.