Closed For Service

It's been nearly 5 months since the breakup. During these 5 months, the relationship has kind of been in limbo (at least for me). If I am honest with myself, I'm the one that has made it that way and have dragged it on this long because I am having a very hard time letting go of someone I love and care about very much. He also did some things to encourage me a little bit during that time, so I can't beat myself up too much.

It's been hard. It doesn't help that work has been very stressful with SAGE testing and this school year has been exhausting and very long. On top of that my family has had some hard things going on and it's just so been so much to handle. I'm emotionally drained. My heart needs to take a break for a while. It needs to be closed for service until further notice.

Heartache is a physical pain that I never really fully understood or knew until now. I'm broken and I need to be open and willing to move on and be healed by the Savior. This past weekend I had the wonderful opportunity of hearing Elder Jeffery R. Holland speak at my stake conference. If one could title the message he gave, it would probably be, "God Loves Broken Things." He testified that God knows heartache. Christ died of a broken heart. As a disciple of Christ, I must expect to experience to some degree the things He experienced, including having a broken heart. He said to not scream, whine, or shake fist at God when it happens. God knows the dream that was broken and when He designed the Plan He knew this had to be and when I signed up for it, I knew it, too. He said in powerful words (in the way that Elder Holland does) don't dare say that God doesn't love me or that He isn't there. I will get a return on the sorrow and heartaches I've felt. It's my offering, my sacrifice that I can bring to the alter to show Him that I love Him and will be faithful no matter what. I have to go to the alter and trust that it will all work out. I have to trust that I will get my life (happiness) and heart back and that I'd get it back better than it was before. "Endure and save yourselves for days of happiness ahead.... You will be happy again.... This is a church of happy endings." Some day someone will need my broken heart in their behalf.

In powerful words Elder Holland said that I cannot argue with the evidence that God fulfills every promise He makes. The evidence is the restored Gospel of Jesus Christ, but it also is the many miracles that I've experienced and seen in my own life. I can pretend or wish or even regret they happened, but they won't go away, they will be there for the rest of my life. In John 9, Peter commands a man unable to walk to rise up and walk, which was a completely unreasonable, unexpected, even outrageous thing to ask him to do considering his condition. The man obeyed immediately and was not only completely healed, but he had his life, energy, and spirit restored. Whatever the infirmity, it's like God is saying, "We will heal this! There is a happy ending. It will all get resolved." God will bless me and bless all those I worry about. There are plenty of blessings for all.

Elder Holland then gave a powerful apostolic blessing that I can't put into words. I was too overcome with emotion (think ugly cry-much to my embarrassment next to new friends in the middle of stake conference) to write anything down. It left me with a feeling of peace that I haven't felt in a long time. It gave me the confidence I needed to do something I needed to do so I could really start to move on and forward again like I need to. I know that the road immediately ahead will still be rough and I will likely still have some bad days and ugly cries, but that is exactly why I need to have my heart "closed for service" for a time.

In the meantime, I'm going to focus on building friendships, giving service, being fully involved in my ward, exercising, and learning/trying new things.

I heard this song at an assembly today and found it completely fitting:

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're fast asleep
In dreams you lose your heartaches
Whatever you wish for, you keep

Have faith in your dreams and someday
Your rainbow will come smiling through
No matter how your heart is grieving
If you keep on believing
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
When you're feeling small
Alone, in the night you whisper
Thinking no one can hear you at all

You wake with the morning sunlight
To find fortune that is smiling on you
Don't let your heart be filled with sorrow
For all you know tomorrow
The dream that you wish will come true

A dream is a wish your heart makes
A dream…